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I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?