I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
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People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”