It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
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Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Admin smashed it 😂
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.