Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
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My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you