I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
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Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
I wish all tests were things you peed on
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job