Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
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My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Worth the read.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
My dad is at it again
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15