I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
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If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
real
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”