[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
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Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Cha-ching is my safe word
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.