Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
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*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
March 16