My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
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Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701