No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
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One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
“I’m helping” 😅
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*