Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
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Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
My dog learned how to text
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.