24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
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*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*