Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
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I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.