I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
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Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?