I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
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Shorty got
⚪️ low
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🔘 all of the above
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
some Old Testament wisdom
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
All set.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.