Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
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[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
I’m tired tomorrow.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*