anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
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Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive