Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
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[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*