Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
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This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.