When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
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[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.