Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
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I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Oops I deleted….
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.