I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
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[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
If you know, you know
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”