My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
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UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
If looks could kill
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa