I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
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According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.