DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
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my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Do not steal food from the science building!
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.