I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
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Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
me after drinking all the wine:
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.