My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
You Might Also Like
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
I love wikipedia
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.