The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
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*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Some people were born into their job.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.