Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
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[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
I’m not average. I’m mean.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.