Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
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All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.