“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
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me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.