Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
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Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
new wife guy just dropped
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair