Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
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[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Tastes like chicken.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.