Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
You Might Also Like
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Hey i am sexy to you now
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!