Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
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Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
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tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place