i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
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Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.