people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
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Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.