(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
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I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude