hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
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Oh no 😂😂💔😭
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ