Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
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I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor