[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
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I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.