Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
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ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing