Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
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– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Important
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Remember folks 😂
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
True?
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”