Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
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Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
For anyone who needs this today
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!