I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
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I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
i wish we could shoplift online
Worth remembering.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.