I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
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My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
we all know this pain all too well
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point