Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
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windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Thanks to a fan for this one.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.