[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
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Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Stop.