It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
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[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth